im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
