A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Randomize
