Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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