i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
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