last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
He better not be in your backpack
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
