i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
