If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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