they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
where are my eyebrows?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
