look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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