He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
