I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
My vagina just clenched in fear
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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