i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
