Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
