dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
The feeling are messing with the penis
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
