Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Randomize
