We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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