So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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