I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
