Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
