well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
