one word: firstdatebathroomanal
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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