The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
