I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
