I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Randomize
