I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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