I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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