Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize