If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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