if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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