I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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