It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
