I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
