Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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