Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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