He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
