I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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