The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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