She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
