When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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