I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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