My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
