I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
