no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
