Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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