remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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