I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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