So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
