I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
