I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
