His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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