you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
So I just went to clothing optional bar
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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