I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
