3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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