IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
