Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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