I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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