i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
