ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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