in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize