I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize
