wanna go halves on a baby?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
