eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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