Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
