I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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