o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
