For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
