My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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