I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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