We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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