My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
