1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
